I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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