The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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