"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Randomize
