I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
