tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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