i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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