zippers are such a cool invention
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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