batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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