Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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