So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
