dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
