I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
