Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
