I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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