I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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