ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
