She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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