Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize