it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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