my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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