Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
