I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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