I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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