the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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