You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
