Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm at about main and main street
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
