dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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