Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize