get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
