chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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