He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
