so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You made out with two different species that night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
