im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He has the fingertips of a God
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