I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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