Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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