Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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