Say something about gay babies.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
