What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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