I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My liver just had a heart attack.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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