My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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