Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
