I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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