Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
