Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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