The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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