oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
