It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
