If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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