so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
