I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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