I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize