So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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