I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i now understand why vodka
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
