you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
