I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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