God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
