I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You have to summon your inner elephant
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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