Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I will pee on everything he values.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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