all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
