I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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