i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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