who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
