apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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