Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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