im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
